


reciprocity

by colourfulpaints



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Love, M/M, OOC, References to Abuse, References to Suicide, Therapy, Vulnerability, because damn this boy has a lot of feelings, because they talk about thier feelings lol, i always tag neil as ooc because i like to have him express his feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 14:38:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15342000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colourfulpaints/pseuds/colourfulpaints
Summary: So i also have insane neurosis about vulnerability, and between Andrew “Drama Queen Gay” Minyard and Neil “I’m Fine” Josten, Bee has her hands full. 2 parts to this, therapy time, and application of strategies for communication time. For once, not angsty.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i literally wrote this procrastinating writing another fic thats where im at today

Bee rubbed at her temples, fingers tapping against the now cooling mug of hot chocolate on her desk, left from her session with Andrew. His empty mug sat in the center of the coffee table. He argued that it was annoying and pointless to have an extra session just because it was time for the rest of the foxes term evaluations, and although she would never tell him she agreed with him, they had to follow protocol in a way. Neil was up next, he could hear Andrew whispering to him agressively in the waiting room. Probably telling him to grow some balls and talk to her. At least, thats what he told her he was going to tell “the junkie” as he so affectionately reffered to his boyfriend. 

 

She perked up as Neil closed the door silently behind him, glancing quickly around the room to assess any changes since his last visit, and sitting on the edge of the couch, turning to stare at her blankly.

 

“Hi Neil, how was your summer?”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Did you and Andrew get to spend some time together?”

 

“I won’t talk about Drew without him here.”

 

“That’s fair,” she assented, getting up to remove the dirty mug and place it in the sink off to the side in the room, “do you want to talk about you?”

 

Neil watched her every move with severe calculation. She suspected he was not a fan of enclosed spaces he was forced into.

 

“No.”

 

After what happened last year, she was increasingly attempting to get Neil to open up even in the slightest, for his own personal health at least. But she knew it was like prying open a brick wall. Basically impossible.

 

She had heard enough about it for Andrew. He had spent a number of sessions raving about Neil’s idiocy and how “he can’t realize that by not telling me anything he’s putting himself in more danger!”

 

He had also told her about the little game that they played, truth for a truth. She can’t imagine how stubborn their relationship must be, between two cats, and two children who spent their whole lives learning that vulnerability was a one way ticket to having yourself shred into a thousand jagged pieces, either figuratively or literally. 

 

Neil seemed content to pass the hour in relative silence, shifting every couple minutes on the couch, eyes flitting around the room, until; 

 

“He’s trying to get me to talk to him.”

 

She flinched at the sudden words from the boy, turning to be more attentive.

 

“Who is Neil?”

 

“Andrew.” 

 

Huh. So he had taken her advice to be more open in his relationships. Although she suspected it was equally motivated by his desire to elicit some kind of introspection from Neil. 

 

“What do you mean by that? I thought you didn’t want to talk about him.”

 

“I figure you put him up to it. So it’s nothing you don’t already know.” Correct. “But after I had asked him to tell me what had upset him a few weeks ago, he demanded that I tell him how I was feeling too. But I don’t see how I’m feeling about something insignificant on an insignificant day is important.”

 

She thought back, a few weeks ago... Andrew hadn’t slept for three days because somebody at the club had made rather lewd comments to Andrew about what he’d like to do to Neil given the chance, roofies had been mentioned, and Andrew broke a knuckle on his jaw. 

 

“Would you consider playing his game just to humour him?” She suggested, jotting a note down at the top of Neil’s sheet, then copying it onto Andrew’s.

 

Mutually Assured Destruction?

 

“Drew would knock my lights out if I tried that.”

 

“Then why not tell him how you are feeling? He’s asking for reciprocity. Not for you to lay everything out on the floor for him to see.”

 

“I don’t want him to feel like he’s responsible for me. I can take care of myself.”

 

“I will tell you this Neil,” she lay her papers down on the desk, leaving nothing between them, “He has felt that he is responsible for you since the day that he and Kevin found you in Arizona. It is not some twisted obsession but rather, he has a vested interest in your well being and not for purely selfish reasons.” 

 

“But our deal...” He stopped himself. She knew what deal he was referencing, after the Moriyama fiasco was finally over, he had told her mostly everything, but she doubted Neil knew that she knew. “Because there is no longer imminent danger to Kevin or I, he shouldn’t have to care about my safety anymore. Riko is dead. Can you tell him that he is not responsible for me. He seems to listen to you.”

 

She thought for a moment. God these boys. Stubborn to the bone the both of them. She was sure Andrew wouldn’t give up another inch of himself without Neil matching him, and Neil was not going to readily accept that maybe Andrew  _ wants _ to be responsible for him. 

 

“I said this to him and I’m going to say it to you. Vulnerability is not always a weakness. It makes you a stronger person to share yourself with somebody else.”

 

His eyes widened at the word vulnerability.

 

“I can’t see how Drew would want me to be vulnerable. Or want to be vulnerable himself.”

 

“Maybe because he is trying to learn how to lower those iron walls we know he likes to keep up around himself, at least with people that he cares about, but is afraid to do it alone.”

 

Neil grit his teeth.

 

“This is the first time for the both of you that you have been able to have any kind of relationship with a person not based out of defense or fear. It's not something either or you are accustomed to. If you want him to stop prying, I suggest you tell him yourself. He seems to have respect for your boundaries.”

 

He had discussed with her at length his “yes or no” assurances. 

 

“Talk to him about it. You know better than anybody you cannot make him do something he does not want to do. Now, how is this exy season shaping up to be. Have you met the rookies yet?”

 

Neil’s expression changed from stress to relief, happy to be given an out from what he would no doubt think over for a few days before approaching Andrew with it. He was content to chatter about the pros and cons of the freshmen foxes for the remainder of their hour.

 

When time was up Andrew poked his head in to wave goodbye, she smiled and waved herself, mouthing the words, “Talk to him!”

 

He rolled his eyes and shut the door behind him. She resumed rubbing her temples. Sometimes she was tempted to steal some of David’s whisky for her cocoa. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 is just our boys


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here are the boyssss in love  
> also smash brawl was out in 2008 i double checked so dont come for me i love my early 2000s aesthetic andrew definietly had a scene phase

It was Saturday night. Andrew sat on the bean bag in the corner of their living room, Neil sitting between his legs, elbows resting on his thighs as he held the playstation controller awkwardly. Andrew had one arm around his shoulders, holding his own off to the side, not needing to look at the buttons as intensely as his technologically inept teammate. They were playing smash brawl and Neil was bad at it. He was loathe to admit it was cute. 

 

Normally they would be in Columbia, but because the season hadn’t started yet, they had gone Friday night. And there was nobody new on the team that Andrew had a vested interest in hazing, so the night was fairly typical. Although Nicky had brought back some really good molly from Germany and even better hash oil, and the come down had not been great this morning. Neil had declined, as usual, and Nicky was sleeping it all off in the room next door. Andrew was letting himself enjoy the casual contact, smiling as Neil grumbled in frustration at the game. 

 

They finished their round and Neil turned back to him, “You know, I’d be happy to just watch and let you play.”

 

“I know, but you have to learn before the next time Matt challenges you. Nobody will expect you to win and I’ll sweep the betting pool.”

 

“Drew if you want money...”

 

“It’s not about that idiot it’s about fucking them over.”

 

“Bored without any gang violence? Or a new freshman to torment? I figured you would have taken that kid who called Nicky a fag to Columbia just to fuck him up.”

 

“Homophobes don’t get to ride in my car. I think the talking to I gave him will be more than enough.”

 

Andrew had stabbed the kid in the shoulder pad, only shallowly slicing his skin, but it had been enough to send the asshole running. 

 

“I’m surprised Coach wasn’t pissed.”

 

“He’s not pissed because he knows I could do a hell of a lot worse.”

“Hmmm.”

 

They resumed the game, a few more rounds passed in relative silence besides the occasional curse from either man, until Andrew stopped and opened the window for a cigarette. 

 

He passed it silently to Neil who took a slow drag, considering the smoldering ash dropping into the windowsill. He thought about what Bee had said. He wanted to help Andrew, felt that he owed him at least this after all that happened last year. 

 

“Yes or no, Drew?”

 

He look surprised, and a little confused, but nonetheless, “yes.”

 

Neil kissed him softly on the cheek, before finishing the cigarette and dropping back down onto the bean bag. 

 

“I am feeling stressed because this will be the closest to normal my life has even been, and I don’t know how I’m going to handle being a normal student playing exy. This is the first time in my life that I’ve not been expecting to die.”

 

Andrew closed the window and dropped down next to him, expression more bewildered than ever. 

 

“Okay...”

 

“Your turn.”

 

“What?”

 

“I shared something about my feelings, because that’s apparently what healthy normal people do. So now it’s your turn. Truth for a truth.”

 

“What are you--”

 

“Drew, yes or no?”

 

Andrew rubbed his eyes with frustration before stopping suddenly, looking up quickly at Neil, realization dawning on his face.

 

“Wait did you actually talk to Bee in your session with her last week!?” He seemed almost excited at the prospect. 

 

“She implied that you were attempting vulnerability and that I should reciprocate. I owe you that much.”

 

“Jesus Christ Junkie, I know I lost my head the other week at Eden but that doesn’t mean that--”

 

“But you asked me how I felt,” Neil interrupted, avoiding eye contact, “and I wasn’t prepared to--”

 

“Neil,” Andrew snapped next to his temple, meeting his stark blue eyes with his own, “I shouldn’t have pressed. If you aren’t comfortable talking about this kind of stuff thats--”

 

“Yes.” Neil placed his hand next to Andrew’s, palm side up, offering it, “I told you it will always be yes and I mean it for this too. We’re both super fucked up, so maybe this is something that we can be less fucked up about.”

 

Andrew regarded him, lips set in a thin line. He hated when Neil said “it would always be yes.” His trust in him was stupid and ridiculous and gut wrenching. 

 

“If I ask you not to say jack shit about what I tell you will you do that?”

 

“Of course, Drew.”

 

“Okay. Then yes.”

 

Neil intertwined their fingers slowly, laying back down on the beanbag, Andrew following him until they were on their sides, face to face. 

 

Andrew closed his eyes for a moment and breathed, Neil recognized the rhythm, in 5, hold 5, out 5. He was squeezing Neil’s hand, hard. 

 

When he opened his eyes they were glistening with unshed tears, his voice a whisper, “I don’t know what to fucking do without death ten steps ahead of me either. Sometimes its easier to just be on autopilot and not imagine anything but the next day or hour or minute.”

 

As he spoke, he looked less like he was going to cry, and Neil squeezed his hand back.

 

“And you probably think suicide is stupid bullshit because you spent your entire life trying not to die and I spent a good part of mine doing the opposite.” He swallowed and took a deep breath, before continuing, “and the reason I got so angry at Eden is because some guy said he wanted to drug you and fuck you, and I can’t imagine somebody like you who tries so hard to live every second of your life, being where I am and wanting to throw up when I think about somebody touching me. Because you’re a good person. And you deserve a good life. I’m not a good person Neil.” 

Neil opened his mouth to speak but before he could;

 

“Things have never been normal, for either of us. I wanted you to tell me how you felt about it too. I didn’t want to be the only one who was fucking terrified.”

 

Neil waited in silence for another moment. 

 

“You already know this, but compared to most of the people I met before you, you are by far a good person. And you’re right, I am terrified. I’m scared that what is around the corner could be worse than everything else I’ve ever seen. I am more scared to be alive than I was scared to die.”

 

“Yes or no,” Andrew’s voice a barely audible whisper.

 

“Yes.”

 

He tucked his head under Neil’s chin and wrapped one arm around his waist, breathing in the smell of the generic “fresh and clean” soap he used, and a little bit of tobacco, and a little bit of just Neil. His skin was soft, and settling. The slight ridges of the scars that he felt, keeping him grounded, reminding him of who he was pressed against. Neil kissed the top of his hair and he snorted a laugh.

 

“Fuckin junkie.”

 

“Mm love you too Drew.”

 

It wasn’t until an hour later, when Nicky wandered into the living room, bleary eyed and shirtless, fumbling to find his phone charger, that Neil moved at all, turning slightly to glare up at the man.

 

“If you wake him up, I will steal your CDs,” he whispered harshly, cutting through Nicky’s amazed gasp at the peacefully sleeping Andrew in Neil’s arms. 

 

He simply nodded, open mouthed, grabbed his phone charger and retreated, sending a quick text to Kevin to not come back to the room upon pain of death, cursing himself for not having taken a picture of the boys first. 

**Author's Note:**

> chapter two is just our boys


End file.
